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Dating With a Disability
When you have a disability dating can be a daunting
task. However, try being gay with a disability and your love life can seem
non-existent. It's a sad truth that in any dating culture there are those
that will see your disability as a hindrance. Rather than taking the time
to see you for who you are they only look at the person on the surface.
Don't get discouraged. Sometimes it can be difficult
finding someone to take you seriously. However, people with disabilities
every day, gay or straight, have fulfilling relationships. There are a few
things you need to keep in mind if you are living with a disability and want
to get into the dating arena.
Stay Positive!
Just because there are a few bad seeds in a
sea of many, doesn't mean you are worthless or hopeless. Learn to accept
your differences. If you cannot accept yourself no one else will accept you
either. If you stay positive then your optimistic attitude will attract the
guys who can see past your disability to your sparkling personality.
In all honesty you would not want to be with
a guy that is going to see your disability as a vastly important part of
your life. In truth, it may affect your life but it should not be the end
all be all deciding factor for having a relationship. If a guy wants to make
your relationship more about your disability, and less about you as a person,
then you are better off finding another.
Try Online
One of the nice things about online is the anonymity
factor. Don't lie about your disability. In fact, the Internet gives you
a place to be open and honest. If your profile states who you are you may
attract the guys who like you for your personality. After you discuss the
basics you can tell them about your disability. If they do not seem to mind
they will make sure to let you know.
In my vast experience, I can tell you that finding
an Internet boyfriend that will turn into a successful real time relationship
is possible. Men on the Internet are often also much more open-minded so
that is definitely an added bonus.
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Don't
Stress Your Disability Too Much
You do not want to stress your disability too
much. In fact, you will probably want to mention it less then he will. Unless
you need assistance it should be a moot point in the grand scheme of things.
If you are constantly talking about your disability
- and he is constantly talking about it, as well - it is going to become
an issue. He will be turned off and you do not want that. It's best to let
him be comfortable with your disability without shoving it down his throat.
In the event that he does become turned off by your disability you should
consider how often it was brought up and evaluate your discussion tactics
when you have the next relationship.
Don't Make Your Disability Too Invisible
On the flip side it is important to remember
that you do not want to make your disability non-existent. If there is something
you need to discuss concerning your disability then you need to share it.
This is especially true when discussing sex. If there are special sexual
needs you have as a result of your disability it is highly recommended you
discuss these needs with your partner. Otherwise, he won't know and may
inadvertently cause harm when that was not his intention.
Just because you are in a relationship does
not mean your disability, or your needs as a disabled person, should be ignored.
The right partner will understand your needs and be willing to work with
you in any way they can to see that those needs are met without
over-emphasizing your differences.
Know Their Limitations
One of the biggest mistakes disabled individuals
make is in not knowing their partner's limitations. Some men are willing
to go the extra mile. I know one male that is the caretaker, very happily,
of his lover. He sees to all his needs, from bathing to sexual accommodations.
However, not every man is like this.
Just because he wants to be your boyfriend does
not mean he wants to be your caregiver, as well. You should already have
a caregiver. You should never expect your boyfriend, lover, or significant
other to be your primary caregiver just because you are with them. If they
want to do this job it is your choice. However, remember that care-givers
face much stress and pressure even if they enjoy their job. Make sure you
weigh the pros and cons of this before accepting your boyfriend/SO as your
caregiver. Some couples cannot handle the added pressure and stress.
The most important thing to remember, as a gay
male with a disability, is to be honest and true to you. If you do not believe
in yourself, and in your abilities, he will not believe in you either. Keep
your chin up always. Having a disability does not have to hinder your dating
life. You just need to ferret out the losers and keep the winners because
once you find the diamond in the rough you won't want to trade him for anything.
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