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Gay Holidays: How to Cope with Unsupportive
Family
With the Christmas season right around the corner,
many families are filling their hearts with joy and looking forward to time
spent with their loved ones and friends. Their minds filled with visions
of home complete with Mom's famous Christmas dinner, giggling and playful
nieces and nephews, and time spent with family around a gently crackling
fire, many people have already begun their preparations for the Christmas
holiday. But while many are gearing up for their favorite time of year, others
feel only dread during the holiday season.
While feelings of dread during the holidays
can be attributed to many reasons, there is no doubt that some gay couples
feel this dread and stress more so than their straight counterparts. Far
from being depression brought about from self-esteem issues and struggles
to find acceptance within themselves (as most therapists would have you believe),
most of this depression is related to having to deal with family members
that are less than accepting of their lifestyle, or life partner.
These feelings of non-acceptance can be extremely
difficult to deal with during the holiday season. Slights from family members
- no matter how small - can cast a shadow on what should otherwise be a happy
time enjoyed with your partner and family. In extreme cases, non-acceptance
can also alter your actions during the holidays - and may even lead to hurt
feelings within your relationship.
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While
writing this, I'm reminded of the first Christmas that my partner and I spent
at my Grandmother's house after I came 'out' to my family. While my parents
and siblings are openly supportive of my relationship and love my partner
like one of their own, some of my distant relatives take a bible bashing
approach to my lifestyle. I can remember standing holding my partner's hand
while my uncle, a reverend, said an eloquent and well-thought out prayer
for our benefit and supposed salvation. Later in the day, all of the members
of his family, including my nieces who I used to be very close to, refused
to speak one word to me even if I asked them a question. Needless to say,
I spent the rest of the day depressed, morose and on the verge of tears.
But through all of this, there was one very
important thing I forgot: my partner. Never once did I think about how
uncomfortable it was for her to sit in a house full of unsupportive strangers
who barely spoke a word to her. I was just too wrapped up in myself and my
own feelings of rejection.
Anyway, there was a valuable lesson learned
that day. After talking about our feelings, we made a vow to circle ourselves
in love during the holiday season and enjoy each other. While it may be hard
to ignore thoughtless family members, this circle of love allows us to enjoy
and look forward to spending the holiday season together. We no longer worry
about the slight of one uncle, but embrace the acceptance and love from each
other and other supportive and loving family members.
While each situation is different, there are
a few things that you can do to make the holidays more enjoyable for you
and your partner. Limit the amount of time that you have to spend with those
who cast a shadow on your festivities, and spend more time with cherished
loved ones who love both of you.
Make the Holidays About You and Yours
Granted, the holiday season is a time when most
extended families come together. But if your, or your partner's, family makes
this uncomfortable for either of you, you don't have to do it. Focus instead,
on your partner, your children and the blessings you have together. Invite
friends who are in similar circumstances to your own and throw a Christmas
bash that will be the envy of the whole neighborhood. Miss Mom's homemade
noodles? Make some of your own. The bottom line is to enjoy all of the things
that you love about the holidays, and eliminate all of the stress and depression.
If you and your partner still want to spend
time with your extended family, by all means do so, but don't make it the
focal point of the day. Maybe you could stop by for dessert, or to exchange
gifts, rather than spend the whole day there. Regardless of what you decide,
be sure to create highlights of time together that will be remembered and
cherished for years to come. By doing so you will find that you will hardly
remember the snide comment made by Aunt Betty, or the obvious omission of
your name from a party invitation sent to your partner by one of their family
members.
What if You're Not Welcome?
Hurt feelings and rejection can sometimes make
you say or do things that you wished you hadn't. This can be especially true
when you find out that you're not invited to your partner's holiday family
gatherings. While the initial shock may prompt you to say some unkind things
about your partner's family, it is very important that you bite your tongue.
Remember, this is still your partner's family, and your partner loves them
regardless of how they feel about their lifestyle. Anything you say about
them only hurts your partner.
Also, try to be understanding if your partner
wants to attend the gathering in spite of their exclusion of you. Do not
take it as a sign that they are manipulating your partner, but try to view
it as it probably is: your partner's desire to spend some part of the holiday
with his or her family.
What if Your Partner is Not Welcome?
This is tricky. You might think that since I
said that you should understand if you're not invited, that the same is expected
of your partner if they are not invited. But that's really not the case.
I'm a firm believer that you need to be the bigger person in all circumstances,
and just as I asked you to be the bigger person in the former, I'm asking
you to be the bigger person now.
In all situations, the most important person
your decisions affect is the person you chose to spend your life with. This
is the person that you should think about at all times. So, if you receive
an invitation that excludes your partner, you should think about how he or
she will feel about the exclusion. You may not even want to mention the
invitation to spare their feelings.
If you feel it is appropriate, you can even
explain to the person inviting you how hurtful it is to exclude your partner.
If they still refuse to accept your partner, I would ignore the invitation
and not go. But if you decide to go, at the very least, make it a brief
appearance so that you can spend the majority of the holiday with your partner.
I would also make it very clear why you cannot stay. Maybe your family will
come around next year and invite your partner.
What to do if You're Not 'Out'
The holidays can be a very difficult time for
couples where one, or both of them, are not out to their family members.
In these cases, it is probably best to spend time with each other instead
of traveling separately to carry on a charade with each one's respective
family.
If you absolutely have to travel to your families
separately for the holidays, be sure to celebrate together and make that
the focal point of your Christmas holiday. And by all means, do not lie about
your relationships. Do not pretend to your family that you are in a straight
relationship, or lie about your relationship with your partner. If you're
not comfortable coming out quite yet, just do not say anything at all. Nothing
is more hurtful than to be denied by the person you love. Your partner deserves
all of the respect that you can give even if you are not ready to announce
the relationship openly.
I know that for every one of these examples,
there are a dozen more situations that you may be facing this holiday season.
Just keep your priorities in order and make your partner and your life together
the focal point during the upcoming holidays. You will not be sorry, and
you will have glorious and loving memories to thank for it.
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